Why him?
why the hardest person in the world to get to fall in love.
I'm always the one saying "go for it"
"tell him you like"
"just blurt it out already!"
so why now, do i have to get the guy
that if i was to say anything of the sort to,
he would get freaked out
and most likely be really awkward and stop talking to me.
but he's just so....
addicting.
man.
that's such a crazy word.
addicting.
but it's just so true.
the things i do for him...
i go out of my way to see him
(even if it means wasting gas...)
i throw myself at him
he's bought me tickets to a movie
and he's been through a new experience with me
the chemistry between us is really undeniable
but why can't he see that?
and why can't i just say something to him?
i've never had a problem with guys before
if i liked someone, then i would tell them
simple as that.
but why can't he be as simple??
he just has to be so difficult to deal with!!!
ugh.
boys suck :-p
life is kinda at a stand still right now
nothing is really going on
no new flirts
no new drama
all same ol' same ol'
and i guess that's a good change for me
but i'm kind of bored ha ha
i wish summer would just come already
and i wish i could find that guy
the one that will wrap me in his arms
on a chilly summer's night
and sit on the beach watching the waves roll by
sounds so nice...
if only
you know you love me,
ade <3
girls are stupid.
if you didn't know that already.
they create drama to make people feel for them.
and the worst part is, people fall for it!
they lie and scheme and make big deals out of nothing.
it's so dumb.
i can't wait to be done with high school drama!!!
you know you love me,
<3 ade
i can't take this anymore.
my emotions are draining.
i'm withering away to nothing.
and he doesn't even care....
(not literally)
is it possible
that after a call that was supposed to explain everything
i'm more confused?
seriously.
we weren't in a relationship.
we didn't have any committment.
we weren't a couple.
we weren't reallly close to being one.
i didn't think.
but he got scared.
scared.
scared of what?
of me?
of what we were/are?
i asked if he still was talking to other girls
he said he stopped.
he mentioned something about me talking to other guys.
i said i'd stop if that's what he wanted.
he said leading me on by talking to me and other girls
was almost as bad as cheating.
i figured him saying something like that meant he wanted something more.
he said he's been in long distance relationships before.
they didn't work.
but at first this one was ok with him.
then he got scared.
but we're just friends!
and even if we were something more, nothing would change.
he already denied his ex twice bc of me.
he stopped talking to other girls.
he told me how much he liked me and cared about me.
he bought me a present for V-day.
he called me every night and talked to me for hours.
he promised to be there whenever i needed him.
he said he would talk to me until he couldn't breathe anymore
if that's what i needed him to do.
doesn't that sound like a bit of committment to you??
i just don't get it.
he told me before and i told him that i wasn't looking for something right away
but maybe we could be something more eventually.
like somewhere in the future.
just now, when we were talking, he said he hoped we could still be friends.
and that maybe something could happen later.
that's already what was going on!!!!
he said he's unsure if he can stay committed to me right now.
ok, i get that.
but why if he doesn't think ld relationships work,
he doesn't think he can stay committed,
and he's scared of something more
did he freaking lead me on so long?
i still don't get it....
i told him that he needs to decided bc i can't read minds.
or predict the future.
i said if he didn't want to be friends there's nothing i can do about it.
but if he does, i'm here.
i told him i wouldn't lie to him.
i like him.
and i'm willing to say it.
so maybe the whole just being friends thing won't work for me.
but he said maybe something could happen in the future.
so we'd just keep going like we had been.
so i'm stuck.
in this big muck of confusion.
it's just this big cirlce and i keep going around and around.
and he's pushing me.
stringing me along while he sorts out his feelings.
bumping, scraping, ripping me apart on the gravel.
and god does it hurt.
you know you love me,
<3 ade
they pretty much explain it all.
i'm so exhausted.
i'm just done.
i can't take this anymore.
you know what makes me mad?
why don't guys get that we'd rather know the truth?
you know how it goes....
they make up some little lie bc they know that whatever they did is going to hurt you or make you cry or make you angry.
and that's the last thing they want.
so they lie to you.
but then guess what happens.
we always find out!!!
i don't think they've grasped that yet.
we always find out and then we get mad and upset and cry anyways!
we wouldn't have cared as much if they just told the truth in the first place.
you tell us the truth.
we get upset.
we get angry.
we cry.
but then most likely, (depending on the severity) we get over it!!
but when they make something up to cover their mistake
and we find out
then we aren't only mad about whatever it was
we're also livid that they lied to us!
so then we're angry.
we're upset.
we cry.
and they've lost our trust.
and they have to go through the struggle of earning it back.
the relationship falters.
it groans and creeks and cracks.
it can't take the pressure of the possibility of more lies.
so eventually (unless you're really lucky) it breaks.
it breaks.
it's over.
fin.
and then what?
they feel regret bc you know they could've saved the whole thing
if they just. told. the. TRUTH.
you know you love me,
<3 ade
acid seeping
dripping steadily from your lips
a smile creeping
up your cheeks tries to hide it
i am not deceived
i hear the nasty liquid
as it falls without a care in the world
it burns you
rips holes in your skin
but it's become so natural
you don't even notice
your heartless speech
grabs hold of me
shakes me
seeking belief
but a winner is not crowned in you
you cannot pull me into your
lies.
you.
me.
lies.
deceiving.
heartless.heartache.
not caring.nonchalance.
dying.lying.crying.sighing.
screaming.deaf.not listening.
no understanding.truth:non-existance.
stories.beliefs.triumph.defeat.failure.
ripping.yelling.clawing.scraping.biting.tearing.
trying.progressing.giving up.
staring.listening.asking.confusion.
heartbreak.letting go.
laughing.collapsing.stoping.
no struggle.not worth it.
not wanted.not needed.
fright.worry.headache.
lifeless.falling.diving.
never ending.
done.
finished.
life is over.
oh my god.
i am so freaking stressed out.
everything is crazy lately and i don't know how to deal.
i always thought senior year was supposed to be fun.
but instead it's a nightmare.
i have to learn and memorize choreography for 9 songs.
and it's not your normal dance moves either.
this is Trisha we're talking about.
she goes for the best and perfection.
it's so hard.
ever seen Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious done on Broadway?
if not, watch it on you tube.
we are doing the exact moves.
they're insane!!
ha ha.
then Trashin' the Camp from Tarzan,
we're doing all our moves with push brooms!!
try dancing with a broom...not too easy.
then i'm also doing "let's hear it for the boy" from footloose.
except my friend, Kathryn, whose song it is, broke her tibia!
she has to be in a full leg brace for 3 months.
try dancing in one of those babies.
then there's english.
that's a just a workload all together.
we just finished "Beowulf" and we're starting "Grendel" tm.
then we have to write an essay comparing the two.
wahoo....
and then the whole boy thing is completely weighing me down.
he hasn't called for 3 days now.
i haven't heard anything anyway from him since friday.
and we barley talked on friday since he called at 3:30 am!
i guess he just really doesn't care.
i wish he would just have the deciency to tell me what's going on.
cause as of right now i'm totally lost.
i'm confused out of my mind.
i don't want to be pushy or clingy or annoying
so i haven't called him
but it's getting to the point where if i don't
i'm going to go INSANE!
why do boys have to be so inconsiderate when it comes to girls and their feelings?
i just can't take it.
you know you love me,
<3 ade
you just loved playing me didn't you
intricate lies
webs woven
speeches given
you had me falling
head.
over.
heels.
and yet, here i am.
on my own.
haven't heard from you.
know you've been present.
but haven't presented yourself.
i'm left
h
a
n
g
i
n
g
suspended in mid air
without a clue as to what went wrong
where did it all go awry?
i'm lost.
where are you when i need you?
you came along just when i was about to spiral out of control.
i'd been going slowly downwards for some time.
and then in you come.
a knight in shinning armor.
head held high on that white horse of yours.
and boy did i melt.
your sweet whispers in my ear.
your seductive voice.
your promises.
your stories.
your secrets.
your compliments.
gone.
where is all that now?
you've disappeared off the face of the earth
without as much as a good bye.
all i did was care.
i gave you my heart.
my trust.
and maybe someday
my love.
but where are you?
where am i?
i was left here to fend for myself.
i'm lost in utter confusion.
no one to sort out my thoughts.
i reached out to you only to have my hand slapped away
you're gone.
i'm lost.
where do we go from here?
you know you love me,
<3 ade
oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.
He was in the hospital!!!!
he separated his shoulder.
i feel so bad!
i was so sad..
then i crossed into angry..
then just utterly upset..
then confusion...
then worry.
why oh why did the worries have to come true.
i thought a car accident.
it wasnt that bad though, thank god.
he seemed ok.
he called me from the hospital.
i was too shocked to really say much.
he might call later.
i hope he does.
this whole thing is just too weird.
i had to go to the hospital today to get surgeory, some tests taken.
i had to be put under for my first time ever.
it was scary.
but they found out what was wrong with me and i'm on my way to recovery.
but last night..thursday night...
my friend Catty landed on her leg wrong when hurdling at track practice
she found out today she fractured her tibia.
she has two screws in her knee and has to wear a full leg brace for 3 months.
she also got put under for her first time ever today.
and then him.
al of us connected and going to the hospital on the same day.
one planned and two accidental.
it's just so damn weird.
i'm just so glad everyone is ok.
we're on our way to recovery.
no permanent damage.
you know you love me,
<3 ade
can't.
take.
this.
i really don't know what to do.
he's been avoiding me the past couple days.
well, we actually talked for awhile on wednesday.
but besides that we haven't all this week.
it was Valentine's day...
he was doing a cute thing for a friend.
he went out of service, said he'd call back.
he never did.
no voicemail.
not even a missed call.
i called him at 8.
no answer.
didn't leave a voicemail.
called again at 11.
he ignored the call.
i left a message.
i'm so confused and messed up.
i'm literally freaking out.
my heart is pounding out of my chest.
my stomach is twisting itself in knots.
i'm wringing my hands together.
i'm dizzy.
i'm lost.
i'm pacing and i swear i'll wear a hole in the floor.
we're supposed to hang out tomorrow.
for the first time.
he told me he was excited.
whenever i was upset he told me to just think of saturday.
now, what about saturday?
is it even going to happen still?
i don't know because i can't get ahold of him.
he ignored my call!!
what is he doing that he couldn't pick up and say, "i'll call you back"
no.
nothing.
and now i'm writing and i can't control myself.
i've cried twice already.
maybe i'm completely overreacting
but i just can't help it.
not when i'm supposed to see him tomorrow.
i just don't get it.
I'M GOING CRAZY!
i'm not a very patient person when it comes to stuff like this.
why can't he just call me.
it takes less than a minute to call someone and say "hey i can't talk"
like really.
he told me he likes me a lot and really cares about me.
but he can't so much as pick up the phone?
what the hell could he be doing?!
if he's with another girl i think my heart might fall out of my chest.
i've already invested so much into this relationship.
my heart is totally in it.
and he's slowly breaking it.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i don't know how to save my heart from this pain.
i need him to just explain what's been going on.
it's getting later and later....
*screams, tears streaming down her face*
i just need something.
anything.
to happen to progress this or shatter it.
i just need to know.
i just need to know.
you know you love me,
<3 ade
I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car
he's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
the other on my heart
i look around, turn the radio down he says baby is something wrong?
i say nothing i was just thinking how we don't have a song
and he says...
CHORUS
our song is the slamming screen door,
sneakin' out late,
tapping on your window
when you're on the phone and you talk real slow
cause it's late and your mama don't know
our song is the way you laugh
the first date "man, i didn't kiss her, but i should have"
and when i got home...
before i said amen asking god if he could play it again i
was walking up the front porch steps
after everything the day had gone all wrong
or been trampled on and lost and thrown away
got to the hallway, well on my way to my lovin' bed
i almost didn't notice all the roses
and the note that said...
REPEAT CHORUS
I've heard every album,
listened to the radio
waited for something to come along that was as good as our song....
cause our song is the slamming screen door
sneaking out late,
tapping on his window
when we're on the phone and he talks real slow
cause it's late and his mama don't know
our song is the way he laughs
the first date "man, i didn't kiss him, and i could have"
and when i got home,
before i said amen asking god if he could play it again
i was riding shotgun with my hair undone
in the front seat of his car
i grabbed a pen and an old napkin and i...wrote down our song
school sucks lately...
english is kicking me in the butt.
tomorrow i have to write and essay based on a thesis which i don't really know how to find.....
i should be working on it right now but i just can't
i've become such a huge procrastinator
it's bad...
American Idol is my favorite show ever!!!
lol, ok not ever, but it is amazing.
some day i want to get there.
there were no close auditions this year :(
my sister tried out once...
she said you have to make it through 3 preliminary auditions first before you even get to the judges
weird that so many bad people make it through isn't it?
my mom has this theory that they just let every other person in.
unless someone is either really really good or absolutely hilarious.
makes sense to me...
otherwise, how would the BigBird lady have gotten through? ha ha
i loved her though. it was quite entertaining.
but really if you think about, AI has produced so many stars!!
Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Chris Daughtry, Jordin Sparks, Jennifer Hudson....the list goes on and on. it's crazy!
anyways...enough about that, lol.
so...this boy...
he is so cute!
and i just don't know what to do with myself.
my head is constantly filled with thoughts of him
and whenever something happens to me my first thought is "i can't wait to tell him"
he gives me butterflies and shivers in all the right places.
whenever we talk, a smile stays plastered on my face
even listening to his voice makes me happy.
i'm not really sure how he feels about me...
sometimes it doesn't feel like he wants to be there, talking.
and then others, the compliments don't stop
i just don't know...
i guess i'll just have to keep waiting and see where i goes.
i want something more to happen eventually.
i think the chemistry is there and we get along great.
but the feelings have to be mutual.
all i have to say is i hope they are or i don't know what i'll do.
ok, back to AI and somewhat working on my essay...maybe...ha ha
you know you love me,
<3 ade
happy.
that's what i am.
finally.
it seems like its been forever.
8 months.
8 months and i think i'm finally over him.
yeah, i miss our relationship sometimes.
but we're friends.
we talk every day cause we sit next to each other in one class.
but those feelings.
the butterflies.
the stomach turns.
the aches and pains of being away.
they're all gone.
i'm free.
and my heart is open.
and its a good thing too
cause a wonderful, sweet, adorable boy has come along
just when i happen to need him most
i was going down the wrong path with guys there for awhile
5 relationships in the last 8 months gone wrong.
but he's different.
he's sweet.
and i don't think he'll ever hurt me.
we'll see how it goes.
all i can say is i don't think i've smiled this much in a really long time.
i'm actually truly happy
and for that i am eternally grateful
<3
broadway dinner is approaching.
auditions this weekend and monday.
:-/
i'm trying for 9 songs and i really want them all.
i guess we'll see.
i find out tuesday.
i'm so nervous.
English sucks.
but i guess i'll get over it.
eventually.
oh well.
well tonight it our first sisterhood party in awhile!!
i'm pumped.
and we're going shopping to get our Build-a-Bears some new clothes.
i'm so happy!!!
ok, thats all.
you know you love me,
<3 ade
